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Tuesday, January 30th, 2001
11:36 am - it is finished.
my time here is up.
i've done what i came to do.

(fly away home little girl.)

and now.
a word from our sponsors.

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Friday, January 26th, 2001
11:49 am - well.
now is the time
to recant.
you see.
i can't spread myself across all of you.
and if you want me to
then tell me.
right now.
or i will have to eliminate you.

you see.
i'm cluttered.

current mood: thinking that it's all

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Thursday, January 25th, 2001
1:55 pm - look what he did: (or was it me?)
damn you boy.
you boy
with your wings
and your coffee pots
damn you boy.
you boy.
with your brass bicycle
and your shiny mind
and then you walked away.
leaving nothing
but sparkles
and glowing
pieces of eight.
pieces of fallen (falling) heaven.
and (the feeling
of your hands
in mine
and your lips
in mine.)
and sometimes i wonder
if you aren't a dream.

current mood: damn you boy. (not really)

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Saturday, January 20th, 2001
9:55 pm - (if you want to know)
i like to wrap a ribbon 'round my finger really fast
and then let it go
and watch it unwind.

and then
i like to poke a needle into my veins.
it's a reassuring thought
to know i can be
inside myself.
inside my own blood.
(no shooting up. just a sewing needle.)

i found someone beautiful today.

who actually found me.

current mood: sometimes funny things happen

(6 comments | comment on this)

Friday, January 19th, 2001
8:45 pm - my sister is out there somewhere.
but she is changing.
i'm not sure we are the same/ like i thought we were/ it's different/ and i'm not sure i like it.

still no word from josephine.
still no word from hannelore.

at drawing class last night (4 hours of grueling writer's cramp still to come) i saw a poster for an artist whose work fascinated me.

then i saw her name: hannelore

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8:41 pm - redbleedingwrists.
i took out the tin
of "yibao" zhuhog yinni 30
red chop ink.

i took a red "tool"
and pressed it gently
into the ink.

and then to my wrists.

it bleeds into my skin
and makes tinytiny little veins.

but i'm still alive.
and i wouldn't have been there tomorrow at any rate.

current mood: if you wait forever

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Tuesday, January 16th, 2001
9:17 am - the wisest are the young.
and i seem to be leaving that race.
"let the little chldren come
to Me."

at kids club last night
there was a flood.
we walked in
and there was water
all the children grabbed a paper towel
and we all cleaned
it up.

i love my kids.

in themaskofzorro
the people were locked in the cages
like monkeys.
but the children
the children were silent.

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Monday, January 15th, 2001
10:35 am - if only i could write this music. instead of mine.
if i try out
and i make it
should i bail
or play it fake?
how deep should i look into things?
what kind of chances
should i take?
somewhere along
the feeling grew up.
would of thought you'd show up.

i pulled in
to a new driveway
last night.
and i think that i
could get used to it.
you fool, square tool
for what you've been, all the shit you did.
and how you never
really got used to it.

current mood: jealous.

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Saturday, January 13th, 2001
12:24 am - i am watching fairy tale.
how many times
has that quote from peter pan
about believing in faeries
been used in movies?

like eee tee
and the faerie storie.

houdini was a genius.
(and the sign in the movie says
eat less bread
at the
london palodrome)

i try to make myself believe
in faeries.

and in peter pan.

and in eee tee.

and in alice. and wonderland.

but i never can.

current mood: if i was a faerie

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Friday, January 12th, 2001
9:13 am - i have this strange assumption/theory/hope
that taking a bath
will heal my skin
and soaking with the papayafreeze bubblebath
will make my skin
and glowing.

i am so ugly.

current mood: tetched.

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Thursday, January 11th, 2001
12:00 pm - everything exploded in my face.
i knew it would happen.
and i was broken
on the floor.

falling down
falling down.

i have to get out.

i must

there is no choice.

i know i'm not
supposed to run away
from my problems.
but what else can i do?

current mood: like a broken child

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11:57 am - such a fool. such a fool. and now it has finished.
i'm sorry dear
He told me last night
i am not
going to marry you.

i'm crying.
but He must be right
and now
i feel like
such a fool.

current mood: i ruined everything.

(5 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, January 10th, 2001
8:34 am - i was sleeping gently rocking and the boat...keeled over.
i forgot it all.
the whole thing
i don't even remember what
it was about.

i think i got trounced
in my sleep.

i hate the forgetting.
that's the worst thing.

and the not knowing where i'm going.
it hurts worse when i don't know where you're going

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Tuesday, January 9th, 2001
3:10 am - if this was me...

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Monday, January 8th, 2001
9:22 pm - today i realized that everything is everything else.
we sang many songs
at the children's club tonight.
i received a package...
a freefrom handmade
from my cousin heather.
very cool.

and i painted a picture.

and missed lovely people.
like lola.
who is struggling.
and eugene.
who is busy.
and travis.
who called and had nothing to say.
but i love them all so much.

(3 comments | comment on this)

8:25 am - chased away.
i watch you disappear behind the clouds that once brought you here.
your car pulls up next to me, you never wave, never see me here.

you've always been the one who's right there when i need you,
always by my side when i need someone to talk to.
you pray for me and tell me tomorrow will be sunny
beyond the tears, beyond the way we feel.

i watch you disappear behind the clouds that once brought you here.
i watch you chased away into the sins that held you yesterday.
i can't reach you, i can't help you, you're on your own this time.
you let go of me, i let go of you, but i don't want it this way.

do you remember the dreams we used to cling to?
remember the promises we made when we were happy?

i'd wait for you. i'd do it all over again.
i watch you fall. i watch you get up and do it again
and again and again. i keep on going because i have to.
where are you?

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, January 7th, 2001
9:23 pm - he got me in trouble.
the travisty
came to pick me up
from work.
the day when my parent's
went out
for mom's birthday.
he yelled at my manager.
i got in trouble.

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4:20 pm - hello.
i'm sorry
if i've been runoffish.
run a fish.

my cousin has a fish named
jeffrey dahmer.

and today
we stripped my home
of christmas cheer.
it was like searching for lice.
and i wanted to cry.

current mood: confiscated (is that possible?)

(5 comments | comment on this)

4:06 pm - i've got someone special.
january 20th
is the day i will see him.
my mother
will let me marry him.
i'm just not allowed to speak to him
right now.
just not right now.

i suspect
that being in love
can make a person do strange things.

current mood: sometimes i'm crazy.

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3:24 pm - i went on an adventure.
last night.
after i got back from work.
amanda gave me a spontaneous call.
she asked if i wanted to hang
with her and sara.
i said sure.
we went to jay's house.
he was nice. WOW!
i fell in love with his three rottweilers.
and his stinky house.
we watched the star wars trilogy
and drank vodka and rum.
"white russians" etc.
i had a mostly chocolatecoconutrum
with a little milk.
afraid of the stuff i tell you.
amanda thought i would be sick.
so today after church
i see jay!
and he says...
how's that milk sitting?
i laughed.

current mood: lacking something.

(1 comment | comment on this)

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